Saying Goodbye and Then Living with It

TRIGGER WARNING - this blog post is about behavioral euthanasia.

I wrote about Elke, our GSD, when she passed away in December. What I could not write then was that her death was a behavioral euthanasia. Even though I know that the decision we made for Elke was the kind and humane thing to do, I still felt like I failed her. 

Since her passing, I have gone through a myriad of feelings and thoughts. Some of them have been pretty dark and difficult to experience. To say that this has been one of the hardest experiences of my life is a gross understatement. 

Even though I work behavior cases for a living and I have counseled others in making this very same decision, I was surprised at how much this one decision and its aftermath affected all aspects of my life. 

What it made me realize was that even with all of the resources at hand, (I am a retired nurse practitioner and have the tools to cope with grief and I have some of the best dog training and behavior people in the world as friends and support team) personally experiencing a BE is freaking hard and can be quite isolating.

Most who know me know that I like to do my work and fly under the radar for the most part. So, doing a podcast for Animal Training Academy about such a difficult and polarizing topic makes me feel like I am being launched out of my safe little bubble. BUT, this is a topic that needs to be normalized and talked about freely. BE happens and no one makes a decision to do it easily. 

Seven months later, I am doing better. With the help of counseling, meds, family and friends I think that I am on the way to getting back to normal. I wish the same for anyone else who is going through this.